The best

Here we are innocently working on Holiday cards,and Demps says, “oh Grammy. She was the best, best, Grammy.”

I couldn’t agree more.

❤️gulp.

Momma

Will?

Did you get this???

Grammy Colleen Funeral Speech

First off, I have a request.  My brother and sister and I have had enough of important, loved people in our lives dying before their time. So if anybody else is going to die early, please do so now.  I'll give you the floor.  Die right here and now or forever hold your peace until the time is actually right.  Let’s get it done and out of the way.  Matter of fact, you can go out in glory as a shock-and-awe distraction for the rest of us.

We, the family of Colleen, would like to thank everyone for the outpouring of support we have been receiving, online, by phone, and in person.  

Megan and I live in Colorado.  Will arrived at our house last Thursday, and then shortly after he arrived, the phone call from Laurel did.  The news was incomprehensible:  a singularity implosion at the center of our universe.  I’m a sci-fi geek.  

I’ve always felt comforted coming back here to Mom’s house and the Fairbury area.  This time was no different.  Though for both me and Will, the waves of sadness started rolling in with each mile closer we travelled.  It finally started feeling real to me.

Everyone dies. Death is a part of life. That doesn't mean we have to like it, and we can even convince ourselves it will seemingly never happen to anyone we love.  But it does mean that we will have to accept it eventually when it comes around.

Mom, you died too soon.  You were only 64 years old.  You died too suddenly.  Without any warning for anyone.  Not one person had a chance to say goodbye.  And it breaks our hearts.  You still had years and years of life left to live.  You still had decades left of being an amazing grandmother, crazy quilter, loving wife, caring friend, and an overall value-add human.

And now I’ve got a few reflections on a few subjects related to Mom that I'd like to share:

No Service.  Mom did not want a funeral service after she died.  Then again, she wasn’t planning on dying so soon and leaving so many of us behind to deal with this loss, and with a big need for some closure.  She got overruled.  No vote, actually.  Mark, thank you for supporting this need that we were all feeling.  I feel like she would have truly approved of this “gathering”.

Preparedness.  Nobody was prepared for Mom to die this soon.  Nobody except her, apparently.  Baby boomers and above, please take note.  Ways in which she was prepared:

We came to learn that Mom carried a small bundle of important papers with her wherever she went.  Durable power of attorney, birth certificate, Passport, and something else:  a letter addressed to her children.  This letter was very heartfelt and contained all of the final messages which she wanted us children to hear directly from her.  That was a quality she possessed that I always appreciated: she would tell it to me straight, no sugar coating, and she would talk about anything, no matter how personal or embarrassing.  The letter was dated Dec 2016 and she opens with “It is time again for me to write to you”.  Which takes me to my next point.

Also carried on her person at all times was an envelope with my name on it that contained a key to a safety deposit box, nothing more, to be opened upon her death.  The lockbox contained individually addressed envelopes to each of us children, containing personal letters written once a year for intermittent years.  Also, all of the previous ‘my dear children’ letters which she replaced every year or so starting around 2000.

Perhaps the most symbolic sign that I interpret as her being ‘prepared’, however, is her art studio and basement.  Throughout her whole adult life she had massive piles of art supplies and textiles intended for projects that were all planned out in her head.  Yet, family life and the necessary care of people she loved kept preventing her from realizing her true creative dreams over the years.  In the past 5 years she had been working through all of these projects with a feverish pace.  And never in my life have I seen her supplies and creation studio be more organized, neatly labeled, and so obviously “in-use”.  We found projects in there that were done way ahead of when they were even needed.  She was truly at the pinnacle of her creative productivity.  She went out on top.  It’s as if she knew she were running out of time…

Care of others.  Colleen always put the concern and care of others before hers. In fact, she cared for others so much that she plain forgot how to care for herself at times.  

  

Care of Jenny.  Colleen’s first-born child, our dear sister Jennifer, was born with spina bifida.  This meant raising a child with all of a child’s typical needs.  This also meant constant hospitalizations and surgeries for much of Jenny’s childhood.  It meant performing the daily and even hourly care for this child well into her teenage years.  It meant pushing that child with a healthy, normal, intelligent brain, to develop and use that brain to the best of her ability; her most powerful asset.  Furthermore, it meant helping her understand her own physical needs and the differences and challenges they implied, and somehow develop and retain a positive outlook on life regardless of circumstance.  Lastly, it meant having to grieve the inevitable shorter life of this child when she died.  Something that no parent should have to go through.    

Guilt.  Mom blamed herself for Jenny’s spina bifida condition.  This feeling was the primary source of the overwhelming guilt she felt in her life.  She also carried guilt with her for many years related to the conditions around which us other children were raised.  

Guilt is inherently a healthy emotion that helps to guide our words and behavior in maintaining healthy relationships and being true to ourselves.  A word of caution for everyone: Don't let guilt linger.  You can get trapped in a vicious cycle.  You can also forget those subconscious rules that govern when guilt is an appropriate feeling, and when it is not.  This happened to our mother.  Please learn from this lesson she taught.  

Burden.  After all Mom had been through in life, she had somehow come to actually believe that she was a burden on everyone in her life.  This lasted for many years.  Yet completely the opposite was nearly always true.  She was never a burden to us; rather her presence always relieved whatever burden we were carrying at the time.

Mark. You are a good and honorable man.  You were a pillar for Colleen. In your 13+ years together, I witnessed you change her for the better. I also witnessed her change you for the better, by equal measure.  I think this is a sign of a very healthy relationship.  

The stability that you brought to Colleen’s life was probably taken for granted by many until now, including me. You were always by her side, quietly in the background just how you like it (see many of those photos).  

In these most recent past few years you were always tending the homestead: raising the cattle, chickens, and garden, finding good deals on craft supplies for her, and routinely waiting for her return from wherever she was. Usually Colorado, Kearney, or some quilt camp somewhere. This level of freedom and stability were major foundations that allowed her to develop into the wonderfully well-balanced person she was toward the end.  She was a late bloomer in understanding and making peace with herself.  She absolutely could not have done this without you.  

I’m also glad that you became involved in time to get to know Rich and Kathleen.  Getting to know a person’s parents really helps you understand who they are, and why they are the way they are. 

Enter Grammy.  Mom was a supremely excellent grandmother. This is the part which makes me miss her the most. She loved all of those grandchildren as if no one else did. And she showed it.  She had a big role in raising each and every one. 

Pride.  Counteracting all of the guilt that Mom had felt, and perhaps even eventually replacing it, was her feeling of pride in us surviving children.  She always said and wrote and believed for a long time that we three grew up to be good people despite all of the atrocities we had apparently lived through and ultimately all of her failures as a parent.  In my opinion, eventually she learned through observing us that exposure to adversity along with proper support as needed actually created better, more-rounded people.  How about that.  Her own guilt-logic turned on its head.  The adversity that she had a hand in exposing us to actually made us better people in the end.  I think this realization is what finally ended her circular cycle of guilt.  Best of all, I know that she was proud of us.  She told all of us so.

Contentment and balance. It makes me exceedingly happy that I was able to witness an awakening in her in the past few years. A rebalancing.  

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.  Colleen suffered from a condition known as Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, with increasing severity in her final years.  Certain chemicals and smells would trigger severe allergic reactions, sometimes life-threatening.  This condition was possibly a factor in her early death one way or another.  If you hear of anyone afflicted in similar manner, please honor their seemingly strange requests to not use certain fragrant chemical products.  

Takeaways:

It’s hard to convey in a manner that everyone will understand, but I firmly believe that Mom would not have passed at this time unless she felt confident that each and every one of us would be ok in her absence.  (See Caring above).  

Never feel guilt for a single thing that is out of your control.  It serves no good purpose.  Let us all experience normal and healthy guilt for our actions and words that deserve it, but let us not let it linger.  May that appropriate guilt motivate us to right wrongs, rebalance ourselves, and reconnect with each other as needed.

Colleen died suddenly and early.  While she lived, she managed to impact the lives of everyone in this room in a positive way.  We can take comfort in the fact that she did not suffer. We can also take comfort in the fact that Colleen had achieved near-perfect balance in her life:  productive and creative artist, loving wife, devoted friend, professional Grandmother, encouraging and supportive Mother.  

It has been a true honor to have you as our mother.  You set a great example.  You taught us valuable lessons; and we had the honor of teaching you some in return.

Remember, Colleen will live on in each of us, just like one day we will each live on in others.  

And in closing, a quote from the last letter that she left for us children.

“There is no book - only life lived.  Some you get to manage and some is out of your control.” - Colleen Anderson, Last Letter to her “Dear Precious Children”, Dec. 2016.

Grammy Colleen

Dear Mom,


It's been nearly a month since you died. It's about time that I wrote this blog post to you. I haven't been avoiding it really... well actually I have. But it's not because I've been avoiding yet another final form of good-bye to you... well maybe a little. Though the primary reason I've been avoiding it is because the bar has felt so high for this post. There is still so much that needs to be said to you, and about you, and now for you. I don't even know where to start, and I certainly don't know what the ending message looks like either. I think I'll start with a pic, followed by some passages that different people have written and/or said. Why reinvent the wheel, right?

Here's what Will had to say about you:

"Colleen Rae Anderson, née Richardson, née Fruhwirth, née Emery (1953-2017).

Self portrait, July 2017.




A fabulous, inspiring gal with a crazy-quilt outlook on life: always looking for scraps of overlooked discards to combine into something beautiful and new. A collector, a dreamer; an organizer, a planner.

A courageous woman who spent her whole adult life giving care: to a child with a disability, to three other kids who love her fiercely, to the men in her life, to older adults in nursing homes during various gigs, to her parents throughout their lives and especially at the end, and most of all to all of her grandchildren, the ones who knew her from birth as Grammy and the ones who met her as Colleen.
I am so lucky to even have met this woman; it is my singular honor and extremely good fortune to be her son.
I have so much more to say; I have nothing to say. I wish my mom were here."

Laurel:

"Little did I know that just under 24 hours ago when I hugged my mom goodbye it would be for the last time. Shortly after she walked out of the house, in typical Colleen fashion, she accidentally called my from her car in front of my house while meaning to call her husband Mark. She laughed at herself and said "oops! Meant to call Mark." I will never forget you, Mom. Miss you so much right now. Give our Jenny and your parents and my Papa hugs. You were taken from me too soon."

Megan:

"I've started this post multiple times, erased and tried again. We lost Grammy last night in a completely sudden way. My heart is aching for a million reasons. For my hubby, my BIL/SIL, her hubby, her friends, her extended family, and most of all for her grandkids. Grammy was an amazing MIL-she took me in immediately and I gained another mother from the very beginning. But what Grammy did the best of the best was be a Grammy. She lived for her grandkids and they lived for her. I'm grieving that we won't be hanging out on the porch next summer eagerly awaiting her arrival. I'm so sad that I won't have to remind the kids for the 500th time that she'll be here after lunch. I'm so sad that I won't get to hear them squeal "Grammy!" As their feet fly down the steps into her home away from home in our basement.

She was/is amazing and has always reminded me to dare greatly. Wear the funky clothes. Go on the trip. Eat fish and chips. Blast the music. Eat some chocolate. Don't apologize about winning solitaire. Keep Russell in line. I will miss you hard. And so will our kids. And I will hold these kids extra tight, under the wonderful quilts you made, and will probably continue to wait for your arrival in June. Much love...your DIL "

Michael said this:

"Colleen was my first friend and playmate. I remember playing with her when she was two. I pulled her around the backyard in my little red wagon and we pretended we were pioneers in a covered wagon. We made a campfire with dandelion blossoms as the flames.

Later, when Kevin was born, we graduated to Disney chipmunks. I was Chip and Colleen was Dale. And so it went.
Time and distance pulled us apart and now I will never see Colleen again. Yet her smile will always be with me and her spirit held close to my heart."

Kevin had these words he said at your funeral (yeah, we had a funeral, all about YOU, get over it):

“I write these words as I am working on the video presentation of Colleen’s life. A line from a TV series, the West Wing, comes to mind that they borrowed from Tom Hank’s Academy Awards acceptance speech. ‘The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels. We know their names. They finally rest in the warm embrace of the gracious creator of us all. A healing embrace that cools their fevers, that clears their skin, and allows their eyes to see the simple, self-evident, common sense truth that is made manifest by the benevolent creator of us all.'”

I also wrote and gave a little speech to everyone at your funeral. Writing it really helped me collect my thoughts and feelings and process them. It's a few pages long, so I'll paste that in a new blog post directly following this one.

I just re-read your final letter to Laurel, Will, and me. You were in a peaceful and happy time of your life, proud of us 3 children to the end. You had come a long way in understanding and cutting through all of your guilt - but some still remained: "Writing to apologize for robbing you children of time and family." I'm sad that you carried this burden with you for so long! Yet, I also feel quite honored and proud to have personally helped you through much of this relentless guilt. Many people never grow close to their parents, and/or take them for granted their whole lives. I find a lot of peace and happiness in knowing that we were close, and that we helped each other through difficult times. We learned from each other as people.

I also know for a fact that the lovely Megan was truly influential to you as well, and I am happy I was a witness. She's served as a definitive emotional compass for untold numbers of people on this world by now. She helps us all to understand our own feelings much better and also to navigate toward a more holistic and healthy mental path. I don't truly understand the way in which she does this, indeed that's part of the magic. Much like she doesn't truly understand how I work either, yet appreciates me too. In the end, Megan and I are both quite rational people. We express and exercise that rationality differently and often take different paths to reach the same goal or conclusion. That seems to be how we work well together.

There I go, taking a blog post dedicated to Grammy and relating it to my own family and life. That's what this is about anyway, I suppose.

Speaking of "Grammy", I had a thought this morning. I feel quite content with how our relationship ended up. You were a significant part of my life until I was 36, and Laurel and Will 34 and 32 respectively. You taught me a lot, helped me grow into who I am now. You also helped greatly to raise the young grandchildren, especially when they were infants. This helped us all far more than you know. You were Mother to 3 of us humans. Along the way you were Grammy for 6 humans. How about that? There was some inflection point where Grammy became the primary you. Witnessing this happen, and you evolve, was truly an honor. I feel like you got to realize another of your true purposes, even if only for awhile. This is also what makes me feel the saddest, when I think about the 20-30 more years of memories that would have been made. How you would have been a significant part of the grandchildrens' lives as they grow up. How you would have helped them each out, been there for them, provided a warm shelter for whatever storm they were experiencing. I had the luck of experiencing these things from my own grandparents as I grew up. One could be so lucky.





Anyhow, I'm starting to ramble. While that may be a welcome and fun thing to read for some unnamed future audience (hopefully my own amazing spawn who have grown happy and rich), for others it is surely eye-roll-worthy. More importantly, we've got things to do! Laurel and her kids are driving here today along with Papa and Granny Barb, and Will is flying in tonight. We'll be together for Thanksgiving, and we're all looking forward to it. Embrace life while we've got it. Your final lesson to us all.

Love you forever Colleen, Mother. Oh and the last line of your letter to us said to "Keep on keepin on." We will! -Russell

4. ❄️

Dempsey has had quite the awesomeness of birthdays. She had her first pedicures, a “pink kitty” birthday party, and on her actual day we had donuts/presents/family hangout time.  We got a pink kitty piñata at her request, with the promise she would actually hit it. She didn’t, but that’s ok.
 empsey is often a mysterious girl to me. You never know if she will be goofy, cranky, sweet or anything in between. I cherish the way she interacts with her brothers. She manages to hang with her brother from the “booty butt” talk to legos to playing hide and go seek.
 
Sometimes we hear her quietly playing with her toys, narrating the entire scene. She can be insanely mothering at times. Her vocabulary is pretty impressive and includes words like hilarious, actually, and of course “oh.my.gosh!”

Demps seems to be insanely independent, and will do things you say if you use reverse psychology on her. Her giggles are some of the best you can find.  Dempsey’s favorite things seem to be games, pink and purple anything, stuffed animals, Shirley temples, noodles, ranch dressing, and have her toes painted.  I’m proud that she knows how to order her own food and drinks, despite showing some pieces of shyness.  She loves her grandparents, and is learning to enjoy her older cousins! She’ll tell you her best friend is Ella, friends til the end. 

I sure love this little big girl! 4 years old. 

Love,

Momma

Toesies

Della, Demps and I headed to celebrate her 4th birthday early by getting our toes painted! Demps had to have 2 pillows in her chair to reach the water! If she is vertically changed this will not be the first time she uses a booster to reach things! She did awesome! She said her feet tickled when they filed down her toenails. She stayed quiet and still while they painted each toe!  We got the same colors. It has me completely happy and excited to go do these things together-3 generations of us girls!

Love ya Demps!

Momma

First Basketball Game Ever!

Ryk played his first basketball game ever this past weekend! They had 25 minutes of practice and then played a 25 minute game.  I realized that Ryk has only been to one basketball game in his life.  So I was completely impressed. In general, he was pretty overwhelmed but he played!! I’m looking forward to the season and see how much these kids will grow!

Love,

Momma 

The Maturity is Kicking In

Something happened to A.J. this past weekend and he has turned into a new kid.  He is being polite all the time, responding to the first request to do things, completing tasks that he needs to without us asking, and in general being a helpful guy. This morning I had asked if he wanted to play a computer spelling game. He responded with, “Mom, I told myself I need to get all these things done first before I could play the spelling words.”  It’s amazing when things start to click and it doesn’t feel so hard to parent!

FTW!

Love,

Momma

❤️❤️❤️

Kinder is the best. It’s always interesting to see what I decided to keep from AJ’s kinder experience. The boys enjoyed seeing each other’s turkeys!

Sure love these guys.

Momma

Not Sleeping Beauties

I’ve caught them doing this a few times. Demps doesn’t sleep til later because she naps at daycare. Aj is often awake because of who knows why. One way or another, whether it’s Demps asking or AJ sneaking in, they find themselves together. Aj reads books to her, as they cuddle under the blankets. 

Love,

Momma