35 and Stayin' Alive

I'm a day shy of 35 weeks.  And I feel like there has been a whirlwind of emotions/aches/experiences lately.  Let's talk first about emotions:  I am reaching the stage of Uncomfortability.  The stage where things hurt, and are tired.  The stage where you start thinking..."yea ok.  I'd be alright having this baby ANY TIME NOW!"  The stage where I'm worried.  I'm worried I'll deliver too soon, I'm worried because I want everything to be okay with my baby,  I'm worried if I don't feel movement, I'm worried about all these braxton hicks I've been having.  I'm worried that I'll go on bedrest.

Bedrest.  Right.  Stubborn-German-Taurus-Nebraska-Athlete Girl doesn't always do well with things out of her control.  So the other day when I completed a very hectic day at school with lots of emotions, I ran to my midwife, and of course was instantly shown the evil CUFF of doom.  And what do you know-my blood pressure was high, just like with Ryker, just like with AJ.  The good news of everything is that it was not HIGH for others, but high for my usual.  Anyways down the rabbit hole of maybe taking some time off before the baby.  YADA.  Then I go crying to Russ-all night long, because I'm not READY to be done at work. I DON'T WANT to take time off when I don't have a baby to snuggle.  Anyways, the toddler in me is coming out-can you hear her??  So healthy mom, healthy baby.  Whatever. I still have emotions about it.  But in order to honor my goal to lower my BP I'm going to quit talking about it.  Meditation. Breathe. Yoga. Woo-sa.

So as stressful as the other day was, and as much as my back hurt last night, there is something in my heart that wants to keep this baby in me as long as possible.  I'm grieving that this is my  last pregnancy.  I'm grieving the fact that I will never get to feel another little human being inside me move like crazy, or hiccup all the time.  No more ultrasounds.  No more maternity clothes.  No more.  And I know how fast it all goes.  I just look at AJ to be reminded of how quickly this baby will turn into a toddler.  I want to soak it up.  Soak up these last few weeks.  I want to honor myself, honor this baby that is still in me.  AND acknowledge the wee bit of sadness that I have going on about this.  Because it's all good. 

I'm nervous too about what this little one will mean for our family.  I've been prepping the boys (mostly AJ), and Russ and I have had many discussions on what life will be like.  Luckily we aren't going through our first rodeo.  But with each child-there are other challenges.  Will Ryker struggle big time? How about AJ?  What do we do when all 3 kids are awake in the middle of the night?  How will Russ and I still get our much needed alone time as well as our date nights?  How the heck do I get all 3 kids to the grocery store, or even yet buckled in the car?  Are my emotions going to be uber crazy after this pregnancy?  How long will it take for me to fit in my jeans?

Ahhhh questions.  Patience is the answer.  Who knows?  Who knows what the future will bring, but I just gotta soak this time up.  Everyday, every experience.  Doesn't mean that I don't get to cry, or be mad, or complain.  It's real life.

Love,
Momma