The week I returned to work my boys and Dempsey were sick. It put me in this horrible position of talking to Russell to figure out how to support the kids at home and be back at work. Especially with the prospect of having to potentially fight for my job and put on a good show for my schools.
Luckily my hubby is great and understanding and made the comment, "You've sacrificed enough for our family. It's the least I could do (stay at home taking care of the family)." He stayed home to help Grandma at home with the sickies. It was so hard to be at work knowing my kids needed snuggles. That's when I feel the most motherly, but it also highlighted a point. Dad's need to do that too. And if Mom comes and sweeps it always, we do Dads a disservice by never allowing them the opportunity for that special time. 
While I was back at work, I texted Grandma a million times. I was ready to drop everything just to go home, but I also wanted desperately to be back with the kids at school. This text message highlighted how hard it is to be at work knowing your kids wanted you. I have librarian assistant at work that I've grown close with. She has told me multiple times, when your kids are sick- GO home. Be with them. She told me that when she started working she rarely would take time off, because she felt like she had to be at her job. She regrets it so much now. Gulp. Regret. Something I see in parents, former clients, that KILLS people. Worst thing to hold on to.Good news is that we made it through the sickness, I worked some part-time days and everyone survived both at home and school.
With nursing Dempsey I have been put in the GRIP of Breastfeeding. It is so worth it, but man it is sure an accomplishment. When I'm at work I have a clock ticking loud and clear. I know that I must pump with 3-4 hours if I have any chance of keeping up Dempsey. I know that I must eat and drink to keep up my with supply. I MUST learn good positive coping skills to get through my day and the stress of my job if I want any chance in producing what I need to for her. Luckily I have quite the system now of getting out the pump, pumping, putting things away. AND on most days I welcomed the pause I get from pumping. It does get complicated when I have x amount of meetings, with x amount of kids to see, 3 pumps, and a total of 8 hours to make it all work. AND then I go home...
AND home is great and insane all in one. Russ has been working later, so because of this I'm usually the person to get dinner going (unless Grandma has helped us out-which she is working than willing if Dempsey cooperates). So I'm washing pump parts, I'm taking lunch stuff out, putting new lunch stuff in. Packing the bag for the next day. Nursing Dempsey finally. OH and spending time with the boys. AND then it's time for bed and I'm having to hurry little boys who don't want to sleep to bed. AND then it's time for Dempsey to be cranky. AND then before I know it I'm asleep and I not quite sure if I have even kissed Russ for the day?... Just to wake up early and do it again.
I wonder if I'm supposed to stay at home right now (maybe that's the point of this job stuff)...but I just don't think I can do it. Some people would kill for this opportunity to stay home, but I just don't know. This little army of little people that we created, are lovably insane. Spring Break time has highlighted how wonderful it is to not rush so hard in the morning, stay in our pjs all day, and just be together. It has also reminded me how much I do enjoy going to work and making a difference in the bigger community.
In the next few months I will have answer about my job, and perhaps I'll be working part-time. Maybe full-time. Maybe not at all (doubtful). I do know that there is a plan, and I don't quite know it, but that's okay. In the meantine, I will take care of myself, my family, and my marriage during the craziest time of our life:)
Love,
Momma
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