I survived and I'm surviving.

BEWARE DEEP post coming.  Enter at your own Risk!

I survived my first day of unemployment, I mean not working, I mean Being FREE.  I'm still working on what not having a job means for me.  I've decided that I don't think that I could do it forever.  It makes me feel vulnerable for some reason.  I'm just being honest.

I put Aylen in daycare yesterday and I proceeded to get my house figured out.  I feel like lately my house is really symbolic of our life.  A chaotic mess.  I mean things aren't necessarily bad, they are just like our clothes and dishes-ALL OVER THE PLACE.

So here is the DL on the life of us.  I quit my job.  Loved the work, wasn't the best fit for me.  I'm potentially staying home for a bit.  But maybe we are going to Colorado.  I've put in a few applications, I've done a few interviews.  My current thoughts are leading me to question my degree-and wonder if I should pursue an accounting degree.  Like I said up above...ALL  OVER THE PLACE. 

The accounting degree.  I have always loved numbers, but then again I have always loved helping people.  But let's be honest... helping people usually doesn't pay the bills.  So yes, it is something that fulfills the social piece of making a difference-but it is something that really isn't valued all that much by society--or maybe I should say that it isn't valued monetarily by society.  Sometimes I wonder if this is something that many people in Social Worky fields struggle with...  Especially when they have families.  The kids need clothes.  The kids need food.  And a roof over our head is nice too.  And how do you maintain all of those things when you can only make $15/hour.  That's where having a partner comes in handy.  A partner that makes more than $15/hour.  But is that fair to them?  Is it fair that they must make more money?

Lord this is what downtime does to me.  I think. 

I've been operating off of the hope that things will work out for us.  Part of me wants to live and let live with this mantra, but the other part of me wants to have some control in the whole bit.  So right now I'm trying to figure out what I have control over, and what I don't.  And then the stuff that I do have control over---what is worth it and what isn't.

Again.  Help my poor head.  I guess these times are good.  There are times in life where I feel like I'm just going through the routine and not questioning my choices, my life, my way of being.  And I feel like it is good to sit down and do an audit.  Most importantly answering the question.  AM.I.HAPPY?  What does being happy mean to me and what do I need to do that will make myself more happy? 

Not that happiness is everything, but it sure is something.


So if you could raise your glass of water, coffee, beer or wine-and let's say a toast:

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.

Love you all,

Momma