To be a Momma.

Never-ever ever did I realize that being a Momma came with so much worry.  It seems that every day there is something.  Maybe it's AJ running too far ahead and a car comes in the parking lot, or it's Ryker trying to jump off the highest piece of furniture that we own.  I never realized this worry until I was first pregnant.  HOW this little human being was growing inside me and it was up to me and the Universe to keep this little thing growing.  I started paying attention to those cracks in the sidewalk, those uneven stairs, if that small gulp of coffee would affect him/her, if I should have had more veggies or fruits, etc.  

It was such a huge role to be a Momma and make sure that my baby was okay.  I've decided while pregnant there are some huge milestones.  There is the worry that comes when you find out your pregnant.  Your mind flies through the past 6 weeks to make sure that you didn't do anything too crazy to put the baby in jeopardy.  THEN you wait til the 7 week mark.  This was the time that you miscarried your first baby and you just really really need to get through this milestone.  Then there is the first trimester which usually means you are more in the clear for miscarriages in general.  Followed by the doppler milestone of hearing that precious heart beating, then onto the 20 week ultrasound, followed by feeling movement, tracking movement, and then those weeks leading up to the birth.  WAITING and hoping that everything is ok with that little one.  AND finally the birth.  Making sure that the fingers and toes are there, that the little one is breathing and that they are in fact safely here after traveling with you for 40 weeks.  

And just when you think that those worries are gone-well they are-but new ones appear.  Is this colic? Is the babies billi levels too high? Why all the puking?  He hasn't pooped? He's pooped too many times.... etc etc etc.  New worries with each new milestone.

SO the ultrasound.  One of the major milestones in pregnancy.  I tried not too stress too bad, because I knew I needed sleep.  I did actually really well!  There is TRULY nothing like seeing your baby on the ultrasound "tv".  NOTHING.  Seeing that little one floating around.  In my case, the case of Muffin Man (our nickname for #3) I saw the baby sucking their thumb, then gulping, then twisting and turning, and peddling those feet! OH it was glorious.  I could have sat in there forever. and ever and ever.  I heard the technician say things like, "OH look at those lips! You can rule out cleft-palate there!", "Oh look at those 4 chambers!", "There's that heartbeating. 147!", "nice femur!", "Look it's swallowing!".  Luckily I had own of those techs that was enjoying their job and pointing out all these things to bring reassurance to me, the momma.  After we left, I breathed a sigh of relief.  My baby looked good.

Fast forward a week and I'm meeting with the midwife.  I asked if she got the results back from the ultrasound and she did.  Echogenic foci, ever had one of those?  Um. what?  What is that?  then I just started picking up on phrases coming from her mouth, "left ventricle, soft marker for downs syndrome, everything else looks great, call to the High Risk OB to see next steps".  I held my tears, and fears and waited til I got out to the van to process everything.  Sadly, Russ wasn't there to help me navigate my thoughts.  When I got home, we were able to process, research and figure out our plan. AND cry....a ton.

To save you the anxiety or maybe because I feel the anxiety just from typing this...the outcome.  do nothing BUT DELIVER a healthy little baby in November.

From our research this is what we concluded:
What is it?  An echogenic foci is a bright white spot that shows up on an ultrasound and is usually 1 of 2 things.  1) A glare/mishap of the ultrasound machine.  Similar to when you take a picture with a camera and you see a glare on some photos.  or 2) Extra calcium located in the heart.
Why the freakout? Historically, when there is an echogenic foci present in the heart there is talk about it being a soft maker for some type of chromosomal abnormality.  According to the doctor that reviewed by report- if this foci is present there is a 1% chance of a chromosomal abnormality.  According to the OB doctor that my midwife talked to, there is a 30-50% of a chromosomal abnormality.  Um. 1%-50% that is quite the difference.
Ultimately, we found.. that with increased technology these focis are being seen much more.  They are being seen and these babies are being born without any issues whatsoever.  one hospital group created a handout because they are seeing it so much and reported that they see these focis in 20% of their ultrasounds.  There has been alot of research on the foci and the association with Downs and what they are finding that is in low-risk mothers there is HARDLY any association at all.  There is even a movement in the medical field to remove an isolated echogenic foci (which is what I have) as a soft marker.  
There is a blood test which we could do that would tell us that either the babies has ZERO chance of some type of abnormality or it would give us a percentage that the baby has something...1/200, 1/50, 1/5000.  Lastly, I spoke with my midwife with AJ and asked her thoughts and she told me that she sees them "ALL THE TIME.  And it will go away."  That is another thing, usually what people see is that these echogenic foci disappear before birth or before their 5th birthday and DO NOT cause any issues with heart functioning.
Our decision.. the blood test is tempting-I must admit.  BUT my fear would be is that we would get this ratio of what this baby could potentially have, and we'd be in the same boat that we have been already.  SO why not go with the odds here that this baby looks great in almost EVERY WAY and we trust that this calcium deposit is just that...a little extra calcium NO BIG DEAL.  AND truly in the end of it all, all I want is a healthy little one and having some test results that say one way or another would never change how Russ and I grow this little one in my belly.

So, I sometimes let myself get sad and worried because in the end I'm a MOMMA.  BUT with some faith in how this Universe works, I am trusting, like any other Momma out there, that this little one will join us when the time is right, in the way he/she is supposed to, and change our life in ways we cannot even predict.  In the end, I am pregnant which is amazing and beautiful and I'm feeling this little one move (despite this anterior placenta again) and that is just so amazing.

Love you all and thanks for reading the novel.  I have decided that I needed to write this stuff out.  After all, I tell my students all the time to get the stuff out of their head and onto some type of medium.  Because otherwise the thoughts will invade and the ability to see the beauty of the current time will be destroyed.  I refuse to let myself worry and be sick about this my whole last 20 weeks.  This is my last baby darnit and I'm not going out like that.

Love,
MOMMMMA